The longing to be home shone through the endless tears; my heart palpitated heavily with each passing second, but I was forced to call that strange place my own. The longing to be home echoed in my heart and cried in silence, “Ghar jana hai(I wish to go home).” My home!
The lady in the blue saree with a big round bindi showed me the place and said, “Now this is your home!” The grey walls, black curtains and the broken windowpane everything about that place was gloomy and reminded me that I didn’t belong. The four-storeyed building looked exactly like a jail and I became a prisoner in it. The room and the nightmares attached to it were concealed in the core of my heart, the touch of those unknown hands and the eternal trauma it gifted my body and soul. Though my lips were zipped tightly, a voice shrieked within me and every nook of that room witnessed it. The comfortable bed reminded me of unforgettable memories, so I decided to sleep on the floor. I went to school, where I learned to write. The lady in the blue saree was Sunita didi; she gave me lipstick and white powder to put on every night. After the customers left, when I was alone in the room, I wrote my name on the walls and recited it loudly, it was the only time I opened my mouth to say something, “Rabiya!”
Ammi ki Rabbo, Abba ki dabbo, aur Ruhaan ki Rabbo Aapa..(Ammi’s Rabbo, Abba’s Dabbo and Ruhaan’s Rabbo Aapa)
As the days passed, the silence and solace of this place gave me the eternal peace my heart yearned for, My memories of home were slowly blurred as if they belonged to a place that was neither real nor mine.
That was a dream and this is the reality! Ghar was a dream(My home was a dream) and now this place Amanat manzil was home…
“Rabiya bi, you have to leave the place! This construction site is illegal,” I looked blank hearing those words. Was this real? Through the memories of the core and the eyes of my shrinking memory, stood Amanat Manzil, Kotha(brothel) for the world but home to many of us. The sky-blue colour of the building faded to a bluish white hue, the windows broken, the curtains torn, the old dancing jhumar(chandelier) that had 26 mini bulbs that didn’t work.
“They will give you a good amount if you leave, you can give a good future to these little girls,” The inspector said.
Everyone looked at me, with hopeful gazes, they were confident that I would only do right.
“Rabiya bi, this is our home,” A teardrop rolled from Madhumati’s eyes.
“But, they are going to break this anyway and not all of us have fond memories attached to it unlike you, who is Sunita didi’s daughter. We were forced to work here! Some of us were trafficked to this jahhannum(hell)!” My heart skipped a beat hearing Mandakini’s words. Was this hell then? The washrooms are still dirty, with a larger number of girls accommodated it looked smaller, but the laughs could still be heard in, that once sparkled out of those broken wailing hearts who found solace in each other. Those haunted memories became a faded shrunk memory and were now overpowered by this HOME!! Our Amanat Manzil!
Freedom! Once I craved for it but do I wish for it now??
I stood up ignoring the voices and the silence followed me, the stairs through which I was once dragged, looked like a stairway to heaven, I touched the walls and kept on walking, the bad smell of blood, uncooked meat, and broken septic valves no longer bothered me, because it had that peculiar smell that makes one feel at home.
Before I would lose my senses, I called the inspector upstairs, “I will sign it but give me three days to shift my girls to a better place.”
Mandakini yelled from behind, “Even hell would be better than this!”
I strolled again through the large hallway, from ghar jana hai to yahi mera ghar hai(I wish to fo home to this is my home), my heart shrank with acceptance and affection to make this place my home! I looked outside the window, and everything looked blurred and shrunk, What will I do in that world? Is that world real?? Were Ammi, Abba and Ruhaan real? Will they recognise me? Did that home ever exist? But now this is home, and I have to leave this. I remember the emotions that I had when I began my journey here, maybe I was brought here unwillingly, I wished to die before this house swallowed me alive, but now all I remember is that small room, this building has my name engraved in it, “Rabiya!”
Rabiya hummed the old Hindi song, “Tu jahaa jahaa chalega meraa sayaa saath hoga..” (Wherever you go, my shadow will follow you) This house and the memories Rabiya built are not going to fade away…
The next morning there were only echoes of crying voices in the room, “Rabiya bi, nahi rahe!” (Rabiya is no more!)
She officially gave away Amanat Manzil but decided to choose to stay there forever.. It was her home and not a faded memory…
